The President We Deserve

Our readers may remember that two months ago,  In Loco Politico endorsed Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders for US president, effectively throwing our support as a small, student-ran organization behind the candidate which we believed was “dedicated to serving the people, who has a proven track record, and who has the brightest vision of the future of America”.

But a lot has changed in those two months. Sure, Bernie Sanders has so far kept up with former Secretary of State and presumed heir to the Democratic throne Hillary Clinton, trailing her by 220 some odd delegates when ten months ago he was polling in at seven percent support and yeah, his campaign might have raised an impressive $42 million from small donations in February alone, rivaling the Clinton fundraising juggernaut. Sanders may have also beat expectations and came out victorious in the Michigan Democratic primary, a state where polls showed him over 20 points behind Hillary in the days before the election, and yes, multiple polls indicate that Bernie Sanders would beat Donald Trump in the general election by a wider margin than Hillary Clinton, but none of that matters. We have come to the realization that there is no way America would vote for a socialist, career-politician Jew who didn’t receive his first paycheck until the age of 40. Seeing as how Hillary Clinton is a pathological liar and flip-flopper and how the other three remaining Republican candidates, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and John Kasich,  are a waste, a mess, and a nobody respectively, In Loco Politico has decided to jump aboard the Trump Express on its journey to Make America Great Again.

Now this might come as a surprise to our audience, who is mainly composed of liberal-minded millennials, many who support Sanders’ empty promises and anti-capitalist views. But we have seen the error of our ways and believe that there is no stopping Donald Trump; he is going to invariably get the GOP nomination and go on to the general election, where the silent majority will defeat the liberals trying to destroy this country and carry our God-emperor into victory. If Trump’s many successful businesses, impeccable hairstyle, vibrant orange glow, and smoking-hot model wives weren’t enough to convince you to vote for him, then let us help!

Concept drawing of President Trump for the inevitable sequel of the hit Disney movie Zootopia
Concept drawing of President Trump for the inevitable sequel of the hit Disney movie Zootopia, where he is portrayed as a frog of some sort.

If he hasn’t made it abundantly clear already, Donald Trump will Make America Great Again on day one of his first term. He will do so with a variety of policies and laws that he plans to pass, one of which is stopping the flow of illegal aliens from Mexico into our country. According to Trump, these illegals bring drugs, crime, and rape into the United States as well as steal our jobs and hurt our economy. By erecting a massive 2,000 mile-long wall in between our two countries, we will be able to stop any and all illegals attempting to flood into our country to have anchor babies and exploit our welfare system as well as spread their narco-terrorism and drugs. The wall will be perhaps one of the most ambitious infrastructure projects of human history, rivaling the pyramids at Giza or the Three Gorges Dam, solidifying Donald Trump’s position as mankind’s greatest architect and mason. The best part about the wall is that Mexico will be forced to pay for the wall under threat of an invasion on behalf of US military. The construction of Trump’s Grand Wall will also undoubtedly stimulate the US economy and create thousands of jobs building, maintaining, and patrolling the wall to ensure no illegal props up a ladder on its glorious surface.

In fact, why stop with just one wall on Mexico’s border? I think we should surround the entire continental United States with a staggering, impregnable wall that casts a humiliating shadow over our neighbors, to remind them of our greatness and the freedom which we enjoy here in the states. Similar walls would be constructed around Alaska and Hawaii, because it is also American soil. This would ensure that the United States is never again attacked by outside forces and help maintain American excellence while the rest of the world burns and deteriorates.

As for the illegal aliens currently living in the United States and mooching off the hard work of American citizens, Trump believes that he can outdo Obama’s pity amount of  2.5 million illegals deport in his eight years in office. He plans to deport 11 million of them back to the crime-ridden third world countries they originated from. This mass exodus of people would also provide plenty of opportunities to Americans who are either unemployed or underemployed, as both the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and Border Patrol would need extra employees to carry out President Trump’s plans. Doors of houses will be torn down, places of work shuttered, and public schools searched in an attempt to flush out every single illegal alien in the US. Traffic stops to detain suspected illegals will also be commonplace throughout the United States and the people unable to show their documentation will be held for further questioning. Once we have them all rounded up in temporary holding camps, we just have to deport them. Flying them back to their countries of origin would be somewhat costly and a logistical nightmare, so instead we should deport them all via train. Just pack them into the train carts like sheep and send them back to wherever it is they came from and let them deal with the rest.

Now I do concede that it would be immoral to break apart families, even if they are illegal. In order to ensure we do this in the most humane way possible, Trump suggests we deport entire families, including anchor babies that are technically citizens because of that dreaded Fourteenth Amendment. It makes no difference that they don’t speak their home country’s language or that they have spent their entire lives calling the United States home or even that we will be returning them to war-torn and poverty-stricken countries that their parents risked everything to escape. Their parents came here illegally, forgoing the long, expensive, and arduous legal immigration process we have in place, meaning they must suffer the consequences.

This mass deportation of illegals and their families will create even more jobs throughout the country, primarily the agricultural, hospitality, and meatpacking industries. Americans can also apply for the large amount of openings that will be made available working for Trump hotels and resorts maintaining the pedicured golf courses or doing housekeeping cleaning up after Trump hotel’s patrons. I can already see the faces of eager Americans as they line up for employment picking vegetables and fruits that the deported illegals left untended, or disemboweling cow carcasses at meatpacking facilities, or cleaning up a vomit-stained carpet in room 501 after a wild stag party.

Artist's rendition of Trump personally deporting a Mexican Anchor baby.
Artist’s rendition of Trump deporting a Mexican Anchor baby. (Image courtesy of the Daily Discord)

The wall will also keep out any Muslims trying to get into the country and destroy our freedom. The Muslims within the United States will be forced to register with the government which will keep an extensive and detailed database so we are able to observe and track them. Law enforcement will also monitor Mosques to ensure that radical imams are not spreading anti-American ISIS propaganda which activates sleeper agents they have sent to infiltrate our country. In order to track these Muslims, we will force them to wear green star-and-crescent patches on their arms. These policies will create an environment in which Muslims will want to self-deport back to Arabia and Islam, forever freeing us from that barbaric belief system. The Muslims who have emigrated out of the United States will leave various job openings for hard-working Americans, especially in the medical field, where Muslim doctors make up ten percent of the physicians across the country.

While Donald Trump has a brilliant foreign and domestic policy to keep our country safe, it is truly his economic plans which solidified our support for Trump. Being a very successful businessman, Donald Trumps knows about money and how to earn and spend it. Other than the small million dollar loan his father gave him, Donald Trump is a self-made multi-billion dollar businessman with multiple successful business ventures. Everyone knows that being a successful businessman automatically qualifies you to be the President of the United States; after all, a country is just a very large and intricate business. Many liberals use the bankruptcy declared by four of  his businesses, including the famed Trump Air, as proof that he is a failed businessman. Trump, however, is a very smart and shrewd businessman who used the law in his favor. To Trump, filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy was a smart tactical move which allowed him to more or less escape his debtors. Trump is one of the few businessmen to exploit these loopholes as well as he did, seeing as how only five percent of the US’s top 500 companies have declared bankruptcy in the past two decades.

Trump’s past as an extremely successful businessman would mean he has the knowledge to renegotiate trade deals with foreign countries. Instead of sending some wimp ambassador like John Kerry, Donald Trump would renegotiate deals with China and Mexico himself. He would force them to accept new terms which would raise tariffs on Fords coming in from Mexico and Chinese goods to 35% and 45% respectively. This would bring manufacturing back to the United States and give our economy an even bigger boost.

Trump is the courageous, strong leader we need. While Black Lives Matter thugs, and other protesters have interrupted both Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, Trump and his supporters kicked out any and all dissidents that tried to interrupt the process of Making America Great Again. These thugs are simply trying to rob Trump and his supporters of their Constitutional right to speak their minds; liberals become so triggered by Trump’s brutally honest speech that they muster the strength to crawl out from under their safe spaces and log off of Tumblr for enough time to stifle Trump’s first amendment right and incite violence, hatred, and animosity between Americans. Confrontations between Trump supporters and these protesting thugs would sometimes get a little violent, but this is only because Trump supports are the most enthusiastic out of the bunch and are rabid about their candidate, not because the Trump campaign is somehow promoting this violence.

Much more than that, Donald Trump is the leader our country deserves. Our country was founded on Christian beliefs and morals which have survived the test of time, so it makes sense that we have a good Christian man leading this country into prosperity. Donald Trump is so Christian, in fact, that he has participated in the holy sacrament of marriage with three different women.

As a Christian nation, our nations needs to continue exporting democracy and Christianity abroad to Middle Eastern countries and we need to wipe out ISIS at all costs, even if it means extrajudicial killings of their family members or carpet bombing entire cities with civilians (ISIS sympathizers). Trump wants to keep the United States a Christian nation stopping the Muslim hordes from infiltrating our nation and turning Western society on its head.

Trump, however, is not a hateful man. Trump’s presidency would be the most inclusive regimes of all time; the rich, the poor, the skinny, the fat, the educated, and even the stupid would be catered to under President Trump. we need a president with a backbone ready to stand up to foreign leaders, such as Russian President Vladimir Putin, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, and Chinese Premier Xi Jinping, and insult their physical appearances to their faces. We can no longer continue to have countries around the world disrespect us; it is time we stand up, flex our military muscles, and put the communists in China and the Soviet Union Russian back in their place where they belong: below us. The Chinese will undoubtedly comply. After all, they love Donald Trump so much that Chinese laborers manufacture the dress shirts and ties for his signature clothing company for pennies on the dollar. Bernie Sanders on the other hand, has American citizens slave away to make his campaign merchandise and forces the companies that hire these workers to pay them competitive wages, which goes completely against free market principles. That just goes to show how much Sanders hates capitalism and America.

Trump’s rise was inexplicable to many, myself included, for the longest time, but now that I have seen the errors of my ways. I have come to realize that Donald Trump’s popularity has risen and grown because people are angry and dissatisfied after eight years of disastrous liberal policies instated by Obama which have left our economy in shambles, millions of people uninsured, and which have dragged the name of our country through the mud. The silent majority is tired of all this political correctness which has so far forced Donald Trump to denounce the support of a proven leader and patriot David Duke and has forced him to cancel a political rally in Chicago just earlier this week. At other Trump rallies, throngs of thugs presumably sent by the Sanders and Clinton camps have incited violence among the crowds, nearly causing riots in many cases. Trump is such an admirable leader that he has even brought up the idea of roughing up protesters himself and is currently considering paying the legal fees of one of his supporters who was arrested after he sucker punched a protesting thug at one of Trump’s rallies in North Carolina a few days ago.

The video clearly shows the protesting thug inciting this patriot into attacking him.

Donald Trump is the only candidate with the cajones to truly Make America Great Again. He does not compromise and will not listen to anyone else’s opinions because he knows he is a very intelligent man who can single-handedly lift this country from the politically-correct, economically-challenged days of Obama into a prosperous, bright future free of the pestilence of Islam and illegal aliens. The Donald cannot be influenced by the rich and the powerful because he is extremely rich and powerful. He doesn’t need to as for any handouts from anyone and promises to remove money from US politics, ensuring that only he can fund his own campaigns.

We cannot let our country fall into the hands of an old, senile communist, a lying, wolf-in-sheep’s clothing, a little guy who is also a lightweight, or a fundamentalist Christian ratman. Come November eighth, we will stand together and elect Donald Trump as president, who will make America great once more by destroying his enemies and consolidating power under his orange, stubby fingers, ensuring Americans never have to overthink (or even think for that matter!) ever again, as we would just leave all the thinking and decision-making to Trump, the only candidate qualified enough to lead our country into prosperity. We hope that after reading this article, our readers will ditch Bernie Sanders, a zero, and embrace God-emperor Donald Trump, our hero. Than you and God bless the United States of America.

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3 thoughts on “The President We Deserve

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